Friday, 28 December 2012

Stopped Breastfeeding Today! If only it was easy!

  Before I became a mum I used to see mums latch their baby on like it was a piece if cake.  I used to wonder why some mums didn't like it and choose formula.
  When I had Annabelle she did latch on but I know now that the soft little sucks was not the way it actually feels a few days later.  With all three I have found breastfeeding hard due to the toe curling pain I have experienced.  Luckly with my second Callum I got him latched better and was manageable and fed him 6 weeks which was longer than 1.5 days with Annabelle.  With both Annabelle and Joseph I suffered badly with soreness, cracked and bleeding nipples and had mastitus with Annabelle .  I had help this time but I felt so alone as once the breastfeeding councilor had left it all went wrong again.
   When Joseph was about 5 days old I had had enough , my other half was busy with my other two, I was stuck upstairs feeding almost constantly   The reason that I fed upstairs was due to being too scared to move or be knocked due to the pain.  I hadn't spent time with my children in nearly a week and this was not fair on anyone.  I did noticed that he could hardly move his tongue due to a piece of skin, I googled and came across tongue tie.  Joseph's tongue was the same.  I sent the councillor a message explaining that I had stopped and I thought that Joseph had tongue tie.  She said she could get him referred asap to have it cut and would come for a chat the following day.  I decided to start up again as it would help him even if he went onto bottles later plus I did really want to breastfeed.  I went out and bought a pump and  breast shields to get me through.
 The next 10 days were hard but I couldn't have done it without the shields as my nipples had time to heal.  Day 1 my son happily took to the breast and was happy so I was happy., day 8 I was in tears as it was painful after 20 minutes on each breast.  I then had to top up with formula which wasn't what I had hoped for.
 Once the tie was cut it was lovely, prob due to the fact Joseph was having a sleepy feed, I thought Yes we have cracked it!  I was wrong, he nursed for most of night and following morning so I was so tender.  Again I had just had enough.  I was tender, it was taking him ages to feed then had to be topped with formula anyway.  Plus I could not do anything, the house was looking a state, I was so unhappy.  I decided to stop as I was just not having any support from my other half.
  Again the guilt and longing to breastfeed set in a few days later after being totally formula fed.  I tried one last time and it was much better, not painful but not comfortable at the same time.  However he was feeding 40 mins then I had to top him up with formula.  I hoped that my supply would up but after a week it didn't.  My son was happy to nurse and that is why I kept going.  But 40 minutes then topping up was too long.  How would I cope when my other half is back at work.
 Today after 4 weeks I have decided to stop.  I am sad as I wanted to do it for at least 6 months and my son seemed happy to feed more so than the bottle.  However I have to think about everything, timing, my health( anxiety based) and especially Annabelle and Callum.  I have moments where I would love to put him on the breast but I have tried 3 times and need to call it a day.  I formula fed my other two and enjoyed it but I didn't and will not enjoy the price!!  I just hope that when my milk has stopped leaking the guilt will go.
 I tried my best and that's all I can do!

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